Improving Your Social Skills

There is an ideal that someone who is socially skilled speaks with a silver tongue and can dazzle a captive audience. There are plenty of books and other resources that you can invest in that promise to help you achieve this goal. Being successful in social situations, however, doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with speaking. Many people have asked me time after time, how I manage to socialize in an otherwise stiff crowd. My response over the years has been the same ... Well,here’s how you can improve your social skills without having to say a word in a social gathering.

Make yourself approachable

Making yourself approachable really comes down to two important elements: body language and facial expression. People are going to decide whether they want to approach you before they’ve heard you say a word. So here’s how you can say a lot without saying a thing.

Body language: Your body language speaks volumes about you. Next time you’re at a social gathering take a second to think what you’re body language is saying to others. Are you standing against a wall? If so, you’re saying: “Please don’t notice me, I wish I weren’t here.” Are your arms folded against your chest? If so, you’re saying: ”Stay away from me, I’m not going to tell you a thing about myself and don’t want anyone new entering my life.”
                                                                     
The way you stand at a social gathering sends a message to other guests. If you want to send a warm, welcoming message your body language should reflect that desire; this means standing with others, not off on your own. You don’t have to be the center of attention, but if you’re part of the action people are more likely to involve you in their conversation. Stand openly even if you aren’t comfortable, because you don’t have to appear that way. A relaxed, open stance invites other people to enter your space.

Facial expressions: Your face is the gateway to how you feel. This is why a strong poker face can mean the difference between winning the pot or losing it all. You don’t necessarily need to bluff in a social setting to win people’s interest, but keep in mind that your face is the first thing people are going to see, so what do you want it to say? A friendly smile, an understanding nod, a hearty laugh, and making eye contact are integral. They tell others that you are a good audience and someone who is enjoyable to talk to. If you notice yourself rolling your eyes and furrowing your brow in social situations, think about what you’re saying to others and why you may struggle in achieving social success.

                               

Improve your conversational skills

Most people think that being a good conversationalist has everything to do with speaking confidently on a wide variety of subjects. But before you waste your time studying the latest trends in reality television, remember that a conversation has two roles: a speaker and a listener. You don’t have to be a Renaissance man to be a great conversationalist; you actually don’t have to speak much at all.

Actively listen: Active listening is a skill. It means maintaining eye contact and nodding as you listen. It is important that you give a speaker signs that they are reaching you and that you are interested. This gives them confidence to keep talking. On the other hand, nodding your head and maintaining eye contact are not enough on their own; to show you are listening, acknowledge that you understand what the person is trying to communicate. This can be achieved through the simple repetition of the point they were making or by rephrasing it.

Respond to the speaker: If a person has engaged you in a conversation it is likely on a topic that they are interested in. Make sure you ask exploratory questions. Exploratory questions are not questions that yield a yes or no response -- they are open-ended. Exploratory or open-ended questions, prompt someone to elaborate. For example, “Can you describe what it’s like?", “Tell me how you feel about..." or "What's your opinion on…?”  are all questions that can’t be answered with a monosyllabic response and can yield further insight into a person, a topic or provide the necessary material to allow a natural progression to a new topic.

Finally, respond to the speaker. People want to know that you are capable of formulating your own thoughts and opinions. Responding with your own thoughts -- after you’ve taken the time to understand the speaker’s perspective -- can change you from a nodding, regurgitating yes-man into an independent thinker who is interested in what the other person has to say.

Recognize and adapt to social norms

Remember: A social setting is a small society with its own norms, values and standards. For example, a nightclub social setting values different things than a public book reading. Understand what a social setting's norms are and how you can conform to them. It is important to understand your audience if you value being successful in social situations, because if you don’t understand your audience, you will just end up alienating yourself and others.

Dress for the occasion: Going to a club in jeans and a T-shirt would be inappropriate and start you off on the wrong foot. Dressing for social success means that you show up in attire that is appropriate to the situation. To ensure you are dressing appropriately for an event, you can call other people that you may be going with and ask them what they will be wearing. After all, asking ahead of time is much better than wishing you did when it’s too late.
                                                             
Know the lingo: Understand your social setting and what is appropriate to talk about. Most people think it’s generally safe to stay away from topics such as politics and religion. Depending on your audience, however, you may need to consider other topics to avoid. For example, while at a bachelor party don’t talk about your divorce or how you love the single lifestyle. Just like different cultures have different dialects, so do different social settings. It is important to know the dialect that is appropriate to your social setting, and that means think before you speak. Even if you don’t intend to be offensive, if someone takes offense from how you conduct yourself, it’s already too late.

be a social butterfly

Most of the tips above can be practiced in a variety of situations. You can be an active listener in any conversation. The same can be said about your body language, facial expressions and general behavior. Practice in environments where you are already comfortable. This can be achieved in the work place, amongst friends or with family. It is important to get a better handle on the process of nonverbal communication ahead of social situations rather than using social situations as an experiment.

Ultimately, the goal is to make you feel more confident in social situations. To achieve that confidence requires practice; if you practice you will improve your nonverbal skills and this will prepare you for any social setting. Once you are prepared, you will feel confident; when you’re confident, you will feel comfortable; when you’re comfortable, you’re more likely to be yourself. None of this is dependant on being the center of attention or the life of a party. Rather, it is dependant on being a good communicator who understands who they’re talking to.