Monday 6 August 2012

Discipline and Fatherhood



The father’s role in discipline
Traditionally, in homes with working fathers and stay-at-home mothers, the father’s role in discipline was to serve as the final word or the hand of punishment, as in, “Just wait until your father gets home.” Despite the evolving practices of discipline, the father’s purpose for delivering it remains basically the same, which is to cultivate a mature and responsible person who is less prone to throwing fits and less likely to disrespect others along the way. Any father would do well to remember that, before being his child’s buddy or pal, he is the child's father.


Here are some other tips to help fathers use discipline effectively.
Be consistent
It is utterly impossible to be 100% consistent, all of the time. It doesn’t hurt, however, to strive for it while expecting something a bit less than that.

For example, it’s important to
keep your emotions even-keeled each time you administer discipline. Children are all about testing your limits and seeing how far they can take something, which is reason No. 1 to stay on top of your emotions and not let them get the better of you. Always aim to portray a sense of calm when disciplining your children.  


Additionally, mom and dad should agree on discipline and, above all, they shouldn’t contradict each other in front of the children. When parents appear inconsistent their disciplinary stance is weakened and children will see an opportunity for future exploitation. You have to be smarter than your children. If you find a point of contention, let it ride and discuss it in private. Parents have the right to return to an issue and change the punishment. And if mom insists on vetoing you in front of the kids, she might need a little discipline as well.
Tie actions to consequences
Younger children will not connect their crimes to the discipline as quickly as older children, but you should always try to tie their actions to the consequences, which may involve a bit of explanation -- depending on the age.

This also means not attaching unrealistic consequences to the behavior. For example, informing your child that one more outburst will mean that he will never watch TV again is simply unenforceable, and in the long run it compromises you as a disciplinarian.
To that end, punishments that fit the crime will always serve both you and your child better than extensive and unnecessary punishments such as grounding; these types of punishments may give your child no motivation to change his behavior. Time-outs are believed to be effective for children as old as 5, but as they enter the age where they begin to spend time around other kids and adults, they should begin to better understand the consequences of their behavior.


Acknowledge good behavior

Your child will respond to even the smallest recognition from you regarding his good behavior and letting him know that you have noticed goes a long way in reinforcing that behavior.

This does not necessarily mean that all good behavior should be rewarded by something more than your acknowledgment. This calls to mind a common practice among even the best of parents: bribery. This parental tactic typically involves the utterance of some phrase that sounds like the following: “If you stop asking to go to the park, then I’ll play catch with you later.” When you resort to bribery as a form of discipline, you’re likely in panic mode. Nonetheless, once you’ve entered into bribery you generally want to get your child to end the behavior of the moment (the “if”) by any means necessary, which usually involves some later payoff (the “then). Try to overcome the temptation to offer a bribe, since continuing to offer them will result in a child coming to expect them. If that happens, you have dug yourself a very deep hole -- one that is extremely difficult to climb out of.

Avoid the temptation to constantly dish out rewards or bribes to get your child to behave properly and you’ll find that you’ll help your child to develop self-discipline.

Get involved in discipline and rewarding

It too often becomes common for one parent to dole out all the discipline for bad behavior and for the other parent to deliver the rewards for good behavior -- essentially creating good cop/bad cop. Kids are intuitive and can quickly figure out that each parent has a different role -- that one can be cajoled and the other one can’t. In general, keeping a rigid discipline structure between the parents creates the kind of imbalance that works against your efforts to teach your child the meaning of the discipline.

Be prepared to feel guilty

No father wants to make his son or daughter feel bad by disciplining them with firmness, but there are negative consequences that can affect your child later in life if you’re not tough enough.

Guilt is the unfortunate side effect to being a firm but fair disciplinarian. The truth is, however, that a father has to think about the future of his child and can’t get distracted by the immediate “pain” he is causing his child. A good father, despite the crocodile tears, has to do the right thing for his kid, even if for the moment it means becoming bad cop.

Physical discipline

Physical discipline presents one of the most controversial issues in all of parenting. Most parent care organizations discourage it because:
  • It can cause physical harm.
  • It suggests that hitting while angry is acceptable.
  •  It may inadvertently "reward" children seeking attention.
  • It promotes fear, which can promote avoiding getting caught.
The AAP offers more tips on discipline at its website (www.aap.org). The decision to use physical discipline, however, is one that all parents need to make according to their beliefs and value systems.

the golden rule of discipline

Remember who you are, "You're a father, not a friend."