Guest writer's contribution: WHO MESS FOR HERE !!! I SAY ,WHO MESS FOR THIS BUS?

WHO MESS FOR HERE !!! I SAY ,WHO MESS FOR THIS BUS?

 

Am sorry I do not mean to spoil your appetite rather to share something with you since it’s my memoir.

I know some of you who are “pedigrees” like the Alsatian ok that’s suppose to be a joke  .Right those well- mannered like me (doh lol), you may not  find this write up funny and to those free spirited like me you may say, oh that’s funny. Well, warever (whatever ) your opinion, no wahala.

Have you taken soso bitters (not the real name to avoid brand wahala) before ?Yea, sure if you had, you’ll know what am talking about then. Soso bitters is a real bitter drink that some say it can be used to get slim through purging. But, I say otherwise o, in my opinion you will not only purge, but bring out your intestines too lol.

Anyways, I had taken this soso bitters the night before hoping to have finished purging before the next morning when I will be going to work.

But , my calculation was so wrong, cos midnight I slept like a baby till the next morning. I got on the bus next day for an appointment for a contract I’d been chasing for like 3 weeks, there it came my tummy gave a big bang of rumbling stones .I became very uncomfortable in the bus, I became so tensed as I was seriously pressed to visit the “Ladies”.

“Oh, I will feel a lot better if only I could release some gas or better get to a convenience” ,so I thought to myself. My anus was begging to  realize the mountain volcanoes of fart .But, I couldn’t for the fear it might spell.

“Hang on, just hang on a little more” , thought again in my heart. My intention was to alight at the next bus stop even though I hadn’t even gotten close to my destination at all. But ,I couldn’t hold it anymore I had to just take the risk right here and now.

I began to sweat profusely and I was getting irritated with some of the other passengers who where quarreling with the conductor over bus fare. I couldn’t bear the noise any more, neither could I come down and do my “thing” . I almost screamed at the passenger who initiated the evil noise “hey mum shut the f…k up” .But I held my peace and encouraged myself to hang on we would soon get to the next bus stop.

Oh ! No! this is a mad one ,traffic ? “No, oh No!” I exclaimed and hissed at the same time. In my heart I said “today na today ha , I go suffer this thing today who send me. Lailai , I no go ever take this bloody thing again o”,  

My tummy rumbling and just a little shift of my butt from the chair released a little of those troublesome gas (or should I say mess or better put cos of those pedigrees who might be reading this… fart) .

So there you have it , a pint of gasilicious fart released got me a massive relief. And, I sighed in relief .

The next thing someone, a young guy ill-mannered, I’ll say ill-mannered because he wasn’t suppose to announce it, he should have just kept his mouth shut ,but he shouted, “what the f……k!!” rushing to hold his nose .

I looked back and said, “what is it”, he replied someone just gassed and then the next thing the conductor said “haha, who mess for this place, I say who mess for this bus wey wan kill us?.

He continued with his ranting, “Eeeheen, una no wan talk abi? . May that person yansh (bombom) dey smell as you no wan confess” .

Ha , In my heart I said “I reject it ,that is not my potion o”.

See this idiot cursing in the hot sun was it my fault? How was I suppose to know that this particular fart will smell? How was I to know, you tell me? Something that I released quietly and now it’s smelling with everyone including me holding their nose .

The conductor went on cursing, while I went on rejecting the curse. Which one be this now? No, jokes apart . I ask now, was that my fault? This conductor has been cursing himself sha not me.

Well, finally we got to my bus stop, and  I rushed down to alight from the bus .And as I paid the conductor, gave him N1000 note he was meant to give me N800 ,he then said “madam I no get N800 naira complete o”

I responded hastily, “so how much do you have”  he replied N500 . I took the money in a rush and took off without looking back.

Conductor shouted, “aunty, you no wait collect your N300 balance o” . I shouted back, “No, no worry, keep am” as I ran hoping to spot a rest room or a pooh station.

And, finally there it is . I groaned, “Hmmm ,haaa ,yeeeh ,ooooh this is great ,wow thank you God” . Wow ! I exclaimed in relief .For the first time in my life, I was so thankful to God for giving man “toilet” . What would I had done without one that very moment , dressed in pants suit , prada bag which I just bought not too long ago, with my Jessica Simpson pumps. I don’t want to even think about it .

Mine !! I came out of the looh with my face powdered and feeling refreshed .

I got home to recount my ordeal of the day and my younger bro said  “who mess for here, I say who mess for this bus?”  and everyone busted into laughter .Now, I could laugh about it , but earlier during the incident I felt like crying

Oh what a day!!!!